I hope that whoever is reading this feels a sense of calmness in their life. A sense of relief or happiness. It could be from the smallest of things in life; finally finishing exam week or seeing that life-long friend that you hadn’t seen in a while. Any brief momentous happiness, I hope it captures you today.
This week has left me at a loss for words. I am trying to appreciate every facet of my life. The fact that I am here, living and breathing; that I have family & friends; a roof over my head. But I am still left befuddled.
Most nights now since the hospital, has been spent with widened eyes and fears that I will never get my life together or that my life will not be what I have always wanted. I stay up with tears in my eyes wondering if this aching in my chest will dissipate or will turn into my nightly routine.
The things that used to make me so blissfully happy, don’t seem to do the trick. Everything is so unsatisfying and I have no idea what to do about it.
The people in my life tell me that it makes sense as to why I am feeling the way I am. I’ve been through a lot recently. It can not only take a toll on you physically but even more mentally.
What the doctors don’t mention to you once you get off of your IV antibiotics and out of the hospital is the depression that latches onto you. You don’t seem to notice it at first because you are so excited to be free. You take ahold on every little thing you missed; driving, going out to eat, going out with friends, wearing whatever you want, being independent etc. But once you get off of that inch of a high, you are smacked in the face with reality.
Going back to the normalcy of life isn’t as easy. You are met with new qualms and challenges that make you want to crawl into bed and never face life.
I am trying my best and pushing through. Putting a smile on my face and taking every challenge, day by day. I will just continue to love endlessly and spread as much of it as I can and just hope that everything will work out in the end.