Finding Ourselves

I’ve had this predicament ever since I started my teenage years. As a kid, I always was just who I am.

I never questioned how I acted or how I felt. If I wanted to go out without brushing my hair or even my teeth, I wouldn’t have a second thought (even though my mom would not let me leave the house without doing the two). I would wear whatever I wanted despite it being completely mismatched and downright embarrassing. I would dance and sing, up and down store aisles with a big smile plastered on my face while my mom shopped and not have a care in the world. I was just completely and utterly myself. 

But once you become a pre-teen and start going through puberty, it’s like a switch goes off. You start analyzing every feature of your face and body.

Noticing your crooked teeth or how you have a little extra skin on the side of your hips.

You start comparing yourself to others. With not only physical appearances but their minds.

You begin to change the way you think to fit everyone else. You no longer want to be yourself but a clone of what you see as ‘perfect’. And that’s when you lose yourself. This specific part is just the beginning stages. 

Once you try that and find that it’s not a path worth following and that being yourself is the only key. It’s then growing comfortable with who you are and really discovering yourself entirely. 

And to do that, it honestly takes time and a lot of experiences. Experiences that shake you to your core and make you realize that sometimes you are the only person that you can rely on. Moments where you see how amazing you are and how fortunate you are to have a beautiful life like this.

You need a mix of the good and bad to show what life is really about. 

How you act, the mistakes you make, and all the in between show you, yourself. 

You aren’t perfect (If you think you are, you may need a slight wake up call).

Nobody is perfect and as time passes and things go on, you realize that.

You accept the fact that you cry a lot. You accept that you are sensitive and emotions come over you like massive waves that pull you down. You accept that you’ve been in the wrong. You accept that you lash out and hurt the people you love most. You accept that you are human.

You will stumble and fall but you will also get up and conquer. 

You learn and learn and learn. 

I don’t think you ever truly find yourself until you are old and grey.

When you have seen the ugly and beautiful parts of life that leave you breathless. After seeing the life you made for yourself and all of the people you have loved throughout it; you welcome who you are with open arms.

Because every moment, every triumph, every fail, every person you meet, has led you to where you are; to the person, you were meant to be.

I am still figuring out who I am and I know it’s going to take a long time but I’m here for the ride.

Love, 

Scotland

If there is a place that I love more than anything now, it has to be Scotland.

It is truly beautiful, inside and out. There is so much history hidden behind the walls and curves of every road. It honestly feels as though you are in a movie or a book. There are so many nooks and crannies; from alley ways to hidden walkways that lead to unique shops and cafes.

You can see the beautiful Edinburgh castle, resting on the edge of a cliff. Looking as if it is about to tip over into the picturesque town. Brief glimpses of the castle pours through the spaces in between buildings.

When we had first gotten here, a smile was plastered to my face. I couldn’t help it, Scotland has a way of doing that to you.

So far we have gone on the infamous Harry Potter tour (which is free by the way), a night ghost tour, Edinburgh castle, New Town, and Old town.

You could sit in a cafe, reading, writing, and even people watching for hours at a time. The streets are filled with stores and covered with merchants in small tents. You also have the entertainers doing magic tricks, playing instruments, or simply just having a very cute dog with sunglasses on.

We are leaving tomorrow and we have sadly only been here for one full day but it was completely worth it.

I am in shell shock and wish endlessly to spend more time here.

Love,

Caity

P.S. here are some pics from the trip 💛 https://breathingwithcaity.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/img_2336.mov

A Whole Other Level of Happiness

To think that only a few weeks ago I was just getting out of surgery to the present, where I am at the most beautiful city is completely insane.

So much has changed in just the little bit of time and I couldn’t be happier. I have only been in England for a total of 5 days and have experienced more than I ever thought possible.

I have met the loveliest of people. All of the people I have met from this program are so kind and loving. We all just have this want to explore and travel as much as we can.

Honestly, I was completely apprehensive about doing this program because I was going alone. But I am so happy with the choice I made. There’s this new level of independence and responsibility that is starting to grow on me. And I wouldn’t have been as open to getting close with other people.

I just scheduled a flight to Scotland with three other amazing girls! How crazy is that?

All of these beautiful people were brought into my life from this experience and have already changed it; I couldn’t be more grateful.

We have done so many things within London and I will go more into detail in the next post but for now, here’s the video I made from the past few days!

Love,

in London, England

Coming to Terms

Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment that shook me to my core.

I don’t really want to go into details but there is a lot that I need to think about with my future.

It’s crazy to think that every choice I make about my health right now, will affect how long I live.

I am only twenty-years-old and I have to consider making a living will.

How is that possible?

I have just begun my life of exploring myself and the world.

It’s in these moments where I want to go up to every person that walks by me and say, “Live your life to the fullest. Live every day like it is your last. Appreciate every moment and memory you make and never regret a thing because it was meant to happen that way for a reason. Love your body and take care of it. Treasure every breath and step you take in life, it means more than you think.”

I always try to stay positive but over the years I have realized, it’s okay not to be positive.

It’s okay to feel down about yourself or down about life.

For there to be positivity, there needs to be negativity to balance it out.

After all, the awful things that you go through in life make you appreciate the good.

It’s taking those situations and realizing that its a part of life and you just got to keep going. Keep hoping. Keep praying that it will all work out in the end.

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I Want To Travel The World

If there’s one thing that I want to do in life, its to travel the world.

I want to experience every culture, see every country, and be in the shoe’s of others lives.

I want my perspective to change and grow.

I want to be amazed at all the beauty that lies within the roots of humanity.

To see how different we are, yet how similar.

To meet people who influence my mind in ways I didn’t even know were possible.

I want my breath to catch at the sight of something so magnificent.

I just want to live life so fully that I look back later in life and say, “God damn, was I lucky”.

I want an endless amount of memories from my travels, no matter how far or close they may be.

I am ready to take on this world and travel across it, as much as I can.

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The Super Bowl

The Eagles winning was the most amazing thing to happen to Philadelphia.

The pure excitement that came from people was contagious.

People crying, people screaming, people who were just so incredibly happy.

Although I am not a true Eagles fan (family raised me into the Giants), my heart swelled with warmth looking at everyone around me.

A smile never left my face and I made so many memories in just one day.

My friends and I decided to go to Philadelphia right after they had won the Super Bowl. We were apprehensive at first because we saw it was crazy from the news and the Snapchats people posted.

But you only live once, right?

These memories would be nothing without the amazing people in them. I am so fortunate for every single person in my life.

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Tell Them.

Have you said I love you to your mom, your dad, your brother, your best friend, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or any of your loved ones, today?

If you haven’t, tell them.

Pick up that phone and call them.

You never know when it may be the last time you will say those words. Whether something happens to you or the people you love, as awful as that may sound.

Life is so precious, all it takes is one accident or one thing to go wrong.

You never know what life can bring you and you have to be prepared.

Saying I love you may not seem like the biggest gesture in the world but it goes a long way.

Plus, saying I love you never hurts. It shows appreciation for the people in your life and I guarantee it brings a smile to their face.

Whenever I am about to hang up the phone, I always make sure to say I love you. Sometimes I don’t even realize I say it because it has become so habitual.

So go tell the people who mean everything to you that you love them. I promise you will not regret it.

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