The Hard Times

All I could feel was shooting pain in my abdomen and chest as I awoke from my drugged daze. It felt as though I couldn’t breathe and I started gasping for air.

I had oxygen pouring through the cannula in my nose yet it felt like every breath was not full, the pain resonating through my body leaving me in tears.

I looked around me to see someone I loved or knew. I was so scared. All I remember were seeing the doctors and nurses talking, telling me to relax and that they will give me more medication to help with the pain. Then darkness.

The next time I woke up, my mom and my grandmother were by my side and I had never been more appreciative than at that moment.

It’s when you go through the absolute hardest things in life, you realize who truly has your back; the people that are willing to be there no matter what difficulties you may be facing.

I was and am currently going through one of those very rough times. I am in excruciating pain because of my gallbladder surgery. Getting the surgery done has also affected my lungs which have led to an endless amount of coughing and crying in pain because of it.

Recovering from a surgery results in a plethora of time with yourself and your thoughts. It’s easy to feel isolated when watching through your phone, the lives of friends, family, and acquaintances living their life. And it’s easy to feel even more isolated when some of the people you love don’t reach out nor try to lend a comforting hand when you are going through those hard times.

Yes, I am strong and can deal with many of life’s obstacles with a smile. But that doesn’t mean that I am not suffering or in need of support time after time.

Living with a life-threatening illness, there’s this heartbreaking moment that forces its way into your life. The moment where you realize the people you thought would be there for you through absolutely everything, wind up letting you down.

In a way, it narrows down the people who truly care about you and the people who don’t.

It also makes you appreciate the amazing people in your life. Those that hold your hand through the ups and downs. Those who wipe away your tears and tell you that everything is going to be okay.  Those who run to get you your favorite food at Chic fil a. Those who send you mail filled with love and prayer. Those who come over just to lay down on the couch with you and watch movies.

Those are the special people and I am lucky enough to have them in my life.

It’s also through these hard times, that I have seen an outpouring of love. From people sending me messages to Facebook posts to getting me little gifts that make me smile. So many amazing people that have honestly made recovering easier and has given me the most positive outlook.

So this is for all of those people who have had my back and have supported me recently (and always), thank you so so much. I honestly don’t know what I would do without all of your love. I appreciate you more than you know and I will always remember how you were there for me.

Love,

Letting Go

People make it look so easy. I can’t tell you the number of people I have seen/heard of who come right out of a relationship only to go into a new one or hook up with a bunch of randoms to feel something.

But that just isn’t me.

When I love someone, I love them with every fiber of my being. I give them my all and sometimes it leaves me more vulnerable and hurt in the end.

That’s the risk you take when you decide to be with someone, isn’t it?

You risk getting heartbroken for the beautiful, all-consuming love. Falling in love with someone can never be a mistake. For falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. Nothing beats the feeling of having someone who loves you just as much as you do them. To know that they have your back and it’s both of you against the world is indescribable.

Falling in love changes you. It pushes you past limits you didn’t even know you had. It makes you question yourself and the morals you held before.

It can build you and break you down, all at once.

There’s never been a moment where I have regretted the love I have put forth regardless of the pain that it has left behind.

Letting go of that love is nearly impossible. You can’t simply unlove another human being. You can try and block them on everything, never see them again, and to never think about them again (also near to impossible because you are human) but that feeling will always remain. It may fade as the years go by of not seeing them. And yes, you will fall out of love with them eventually. But you will always love them and care for them regardless of the situation that was at hand before.

Those moments you shared with them can’t be erased. They are etched within your brain and heart.

But you can move forward and accept that the love you had will always be a part of you. It can teach you lessons and make you treasure your next love even more.

Letting go and moving on is a necessity, at times. Whether it’s relationships that just didn’t work out or relationships that outgrew one another, it ends and you have to go on.

It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to cause you so much pain but you have got this. Whatever the situation may be, just keep pushing through.

All you may see right now is darkness and negativity. Holding the belief that you will never find someone else again.

But you will. You will be happy again. You will venture out of the darkness and into the light. You will be able to love again, to open your heart again. And when you do, it will be even more open to love. Give yourself time, do not rush.

Just let go and keep moving on. Focus on bettering yourself as much as you can and everything else will follow through.

Love,

 

 

Be Bold

It’s easy to let yourself fall into the grips of others.

Many people bring negativity around, in order to lessen your light.

The light that is your passions, dreams, and the unique traits that make you who you are.

You, the person reading this right now, are capable of changing this world and changing lives. Whatever purpose you want to fulfill in your life, you will do it.

You have that light, trust me, you do.

It kills me when I hear people say they cannot do something because they fear the judgment of others or they believe it won’t give them immediate satisfaction/success they yearn for.

This is what hinders you from truly shining brightly.

Go for whatever the hell you want to do. It can be the craziest and most unpredictable thing but if it gives you that motivation to live life to the absolute fullest, go for it.

If it brings you happiness, do it.

If you have a true passion for it, do it.

Forget about all of the fears or judgments.

This is your life. Live it boldly. In whatever way you want.

Be bold. 

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

You Will Always Be Most Important

“Do what makes your soul happy.”

It has always been one of my favorite sayings.

The most important thing in your life is your happiness.

You could live to make everyone else happy but when you get in your warm bed at the end of the night, cuddled up with blankets, the darkness, and left with your thoughts; that’s when it hits you.

You have this deep pain that resonates from within you, making you uncomfortable in your own skin.

Dissatisfaction.

The smile that you may have carried on throughout the day, wavers entirely.

Your thoughts feel like a looming dark cloud. You do everything you can to avoid them.

Maybe if you act happy, you will be happy. You are making all the people around you happy so that’s all that matters.

That’s what you repeat to yourself over and over again.

The truth of it all is who gives a shit about anyone else’s happiness?

Make your decisions based upon your own values. Don’t think about what your parents, friends, acquaintances, or what people on social media will think.

You are not them.

You are not living their life.

You are you.

You are living your life.

Your morals and views may differ completely and that is okay.

What makes you happy, doesn’t have to make anyone else happy but you.

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

My Cystic Fibrosis Story

When I turned nine, the last thing I expected was to be diagnosed with a life-threatening lung disease.

All I worried about was getting good grades, hanging with my friends, and the approval of my parents.

I could paint the day of finding out I had Cystic fibrosis, perfectly in my head.

I had been with my friends at the playground, running around and playing manhunt.

When a call from my mom disrupted our game, she told the neighbor that was watching us that I had to come home immediately.

I honestly thought it had something to do with Gracie, she had just been diagnosed few weeks prior.

I was dropped off and ran right into the house. As soon as I opened that door and looked around, I knew something was very wrong.

All of my family members were crammed among the couches, dining room, and kitchen. Eyes, red and watery with lowered voices.

You could feel the tension in the room as all eyes looked at me.

I still didn’t suspect that it had anything to do with me, I just thought it was more bad news about Gracie.

Before I could get a word out to find out what had happened, my mom called me to come upstairs.

I trudged up the steps, glancing behind me, hoping that someone would crack a smile.

My mom was sat down on the bed, looking at me tenderly.

“Honey, take a seat.”

My heart was beating out of my chest as I moved towards her. It had to be something awful. Maybe Gracie is going to get admitted again and they are going to have to stay there for a long time.

My mom cleared her throat, “Dr. Kriendler called, the test results from the sweat test came back…”

I looked up at her, her eyes teary. You could tell she was trying to hold every ounce of her strength together for me.

I was praying to god that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

That there was no way that both, my sister and I, were dealt with these cards in life.

“You have Cystic fibrosis.”

All I could feel were her arms around me and sobs that I didn’t even know could come out of a human being, come out of me.

Pure devastation etched into my heart.

It was more, not knowing what Cystic fibrosis truly was and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to live long enough to do them.

Whether it was being a doctor, a writer, an actor, a princess, or conquering the world in some way.

I had dreams of having a mansion and a jacuzzi.

I had dreams of having kids and meeting the love of my life.

I thought that all my dreams were gone and it broke my heart.

My whole life had been filled with average kid stuff and now I had to face things I didn’t even know were a possibility for me.

The hospital would be my second home.

I would now have to do treatments and medications to give me a longer life.

There could be a chance that I would need a lung transplant down the road.

I had to be responsible for my own health.

At only nine-years-old.

It was a rude awakening, to say the least, but I have learned a plethora of lessons since then.

Yes, Cystic fibrosis can hinder me from doing things in life.

But I will not let it.

I have so many dreams, wishes, and wants, that I am going to pursue.

I want to travel.

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to change lives.

I want to kiss the love of my life on New Years.

I want to write a novel.

I want to have a kid.

Cystic fibrosis is not going to stop me from anything. Ever.

It is a part of my life and I can’t change that.

I have accepted it and appreciated that it has shaped me into the strong person that I am now. I have overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life that have changed me entirely.

I have become resilient, independent, and motivated.

I wanted to live a life where I would live and love as fiercely and whole-heartedly, as I could.

And I intend to because as cliché as this sounds, life is too god damn short not to.

I have an amazing life filled with people who I genuinely love and care about.

I am surrounded by so much love and support.

I have been through the worst of situations filled with pain, sadness, and heartache but I’ve come out of it.

I did it.

I will continue to do it, to face the unthinkable, to gain more strength, become wiser, and learn from my mistakes.

Cystic fibrosis will not stop me from living the life, I choose to live.

Love,

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

P.S. Here is a video I made giving a more in-depth look at my own story and cystic fibrosis.