I haven’t been honest.

I have avoided writing. One of the things that I enjoy most in this world. A way to freely express myself and a way that truly enlightens my soul. I’ve been negligent with this blog and I apologize.

My smile has been fake. My “pretending everything is okay” has been pulled to an extreme in my every day life. I haven’t felt good or normal in over a year. Every day has been felt with discomfort and pain in one way or another. It’s left me frustrated and in a rut.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that will determine how I will move forward these upcoming months and next few years. I am nervous but I want answers. After relentless treatments with medications that seem to do nothing but give me false hope;

All I want is relief.

Relief from what feels like a never-ending dark tunnel. Days dragging on feeling breathless, the pain that resonates from the right side of my chest like a dagger, the coughs that make me close to vomiting, the sleepiness that I can never seem to shake.

In a way, I have become used to the pain that overcomes me everyday. It’s a “nothing new” mentality, just what I have to deal with.

I am twenty-one years old but I feel like I am ninety.

Everything exhausts me to no end. The simplest tasks feel as though I’ve run a marathon.

I have lost my positivity that I have held onto, so tightly my whole life. Due to agitation with never feeling well no matter how diligently I follow my medication and therapy regiment.

Writing this, is hope that I will break free from this strong hold of negativity that is strangling me. That whatever may happen tomorrow, will be for the best and that it will truly be okay. Everything will work out the way it is meant to.

I just have to faith and hope.

If you are putting up a facade, be open and honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s okay not to be okay. But don’t let that stop you, don’t give up.

For anyone out there that is stuck in a rut like myself, give yourself that little push. That push to keep looking onto the bright side even when most of your days feel dark.

It might seem like there is no point, because what could one more positive thought or action actually do? But I promise, it will be well worth it. You are saving a part of yourself. Preserving your wholesome self to be happy down the road. Putting effort into you.

Putting effort into your wellbeing will never be a mistake.

So please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to make your existence on this earth meaningful to you. I also just want to say if there is anyone out there who needs someone to talk to, my DM’s & email are always open.

Love,

**Major thank you to my boyfriend for getting me back to writing & giving me the support I needed**

Scotland

If there is a place that I love more than anything now, it has to be Scotland.

It is truly beautiful, inside and out. There is so much history hidden behind the walls and curves of every road. It honestly feels as though you are in a movie or a book. There are so many nooks and crannies; from alley ways to hidden walkways that lead to unique shops and cafes.

You can see the beautiful Edinburgh castle, resting on the edge of a cliff. Looking as if it is about to tip over into the picturesque town. Brief glimpses of the castle pours through the spaces in between buildings.

When we had first gotten here, a smile was plastered to my face. I couldn’t help it, Scotland has a way of doing that to you.

So far we have gone on the infamous Harry Potter tour (which is free by the way), a night ghost tour, Edinburgh castle, New Town, and Old town.

You could sit in a cafe, reading, writing, and even people watching for hours at a time. The streets are filled with stores and covered with merchants in small tents. You also have the entertainers doing magic tricks, playing instruments, or simply just having a very cute dog with sunglasses on.

We are leaving tomorrow and we have sadly only been here for one full day but it was completely worth it.

I am in shell shock and wish endlessly to spend more time here.

Love,

Caity

P.S. here are some pics from the trip đź’› https://breathingwithcaity.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/img_2336.mov

Living In The Past

It’s a hard thing to let go of things, at least for me.

I have a tendency to dwell on past occurrences and it winds up just biting me in the ass. Sometimes holding onto things can be beneficial if it comes to bettering yourself. But all in all, you just got to move on.

You have to trust that the universe or whoever is out there watching over you, wants you to let that negativity go and simply learn from it.

It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be open to change. It’s okay to forgive the past and move on.

Don’t you realize when you hold onto moments of anger, resentment, sadness, and betrayal that you start to feel more negative and pessimistic about life?

That has to say something in itself.

So stop living in the past. Forgive those who have betrayed you or done you wrong. Accept that people have made mistakes, just as you have.

Don’t look back, keep moving forward. Now it’s your time to focus on the present and being the best self you can possibly be.

I promise you will live a life that is more fulfilling and happier.

Love,

I Am Free!

After all of the grueling days spent with fevers and an endless amount of pain, I am finally free.

I got out my PICC line out along with stopping all of the antibiotics and I couldn’t be happier.

I feel good, for once. My lungs don’t feel as though a pile of bricks is on them. I am no longer coughing to the point that I throw up. I am able to actually stand and go about life without possibly fainting.

I am also happy to announce that I am officially going to England this summer. It was a spur of the moment decision I made a month or so ago, I was able to get in all the documents, forms, and payments. Now it is official that I am heading off and I am so so excited.

I will only be gone for three weeks where I will take a creative writing course of some sort to get credits. I do not know what to expect but I do have family over there so hopefully, they can guide me if everything gets to be too much.

I love traveling and I always will. Being admitted through the dates that I was supposed to go on a trip was absolutely devastating. But you can’t plan for things to happen (now I know to always purchase travel insurance), life works in its own way.

In the hospital, I just kept thinking of getting away and seeing the most beautiful views in England.

Speaking of when I was in the hospital, I couldn’t tell you how grateful I was for all of the people who stopped to visit me. Even though it wasn’t that long of a stay, people came to see me and it meant the absolute world to me. So to those special people, thank you so so much for giving me company, cards, sweet treats, etc. I will always remember it and cherish you.

This admission was different than most because I truly was going about my medical decisions by myself. I spent every night alone and handled my doctors without my family. I actually felt like an adult for once and yes, it was terrifying but it kind of felt good too.

Twenty is really changing who I am and I am just going along with it.

Love,

 

 

Toronto, Canada (Day 1 and 2)

I have never done so much nor had so much fun in just the bit of time that I have spent at a place like I have here.

My cousin, her two college besties and I, road tripped from New Jersey to Canada with only knowing where we were staying.

Not a day was planned out. We obviously made a list of things we had to see and do but other then that, it was all up in the air and I absolutely loved it.

The trip to Toronto, Canada started at 4 am and ended around 12 pm. I was only living on three hours of sleep so I could barely keep my eyes open but we made it (thank god).

It was actually kind of peaceful, driving. Everyone else was passed out while I just played my jams cruising down the winding roads (which I didn’t realize how dangerous they could be even if you tried to stay at the speed limit).

The car ride was spent either sleeping, stopping at Dunkin, getting gas, gossiping, jamming out, or searching up what to expect when we got to the border.

Right when we got to Canada, we screamed our heads off because we couldn’t believe that we actually did it.

Us, 19/20 year olds, going to another country all by ourselves. It was a pretty big deal to us at least.

After driving further into Canada, we went to a restaurant around our Air B and B called Loose Moose. They had the best burgers ever and it was super artsy.

After that we got to our Air B and B and slept for a few hours since we were all pretty exhausted.

We woke up, made more food, and went out to the town. We looked up different bars we could go to and went for it.

The first bar we went to wasn’t really for the younger crowd but we still hung around and had a good time.

The next bar was called the Underground. It was covered in different colored lights and bras were strung across the ceiling like decorations. Music blasted from the speakers and from the moment we stepped into the place, we couldn’t stop dancing.

We had an amazing time meeting very different kinds of people. The night ended with a visit to Tim Hortons (which is kind of like a Dunkin Donuts mixed with a Wawa). As we tripped and stumbled our way back home, we couldn’t stop laughing and talking about everything that happened earlier in the night.

I didn’t know Kristina’s college friends all that much but we definitely got to grow closer from all the memories we made. They are the sweetest, most kindest people.

That was just all the first day and the second day would be even better.

We spent the second day going to the CN tower, it was so beautiful to see the city and everything that surrounded it. We also went to Ripleys aquarium that had a 360 view of the shark tank which was pretty awesome.

For dinner, we went to a restaurant that Drake, the rapper, had been involved with (he named it). It was so delicious and a bit more expensive than anything else we ate in Canada but definitely worth it all.

Our day turned into a night spent at a Harry Potter themed bar called, The Lockhart. If you love Harry Potter (even just a little bit), you HAVE to go here. From drinks to the posters and art that covered the walls, it made you feel like you were truly in Harry Potter.

We only have two days left here but I plan to spend all of them the right way. I can’t wait for more memories to be made. I feel so lucky to be able to even experience this and do it with amazing people who truly bring out the best in me.

Love,

Here is the video I finally got done:

Coming to Terms

Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment that shook me to my core.

I don’t really want to go into details but there is a lot that I need to think about with my future.

It’s crazy to think that every choice I make about my health right now, will affect how long I live.

I am only twenty-years-old and I have to consider making a living will.

How is that possible?

I have just begun my life of exploring myself and the world.

It’s in these moments where I want to go up to every person that walks by me and say, “Live your life to the fullest. Live every day like it is your last. Appreciate every moment and memory you make and never regret a thing because it was meant to happen that way for a reason. Love your body and take care of it. Treasure every breath and step you take in life, it means more than you think.”

I always try to stay positive but over the years I have realized, it’s okay not to be positive.

It’s okay to feel down about yourself or down about life.

For there to be positivity, there needs to be negativity to balance it out.

After all, the awful things that you go through in life make you appreciate the good.

It’s taking those situations and realizing that its a part of life and you just got to keep going. Keep hoping. Keep praying that it will all work out in the end.

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