Letting Go

People make it look so easy. I can’t tell you the number of people I have seen/heard of who come right out of a relationship only to go into a new one or hook up with a bunch of randoms to feel something.

But that just isn’t me.

When I love someone, I love them with every fiber of my being. I give them my all and sometimes it leaves me more vulnerable and hurt in the end.

That’s the risk you take when you decide to be with someone, isn’t it?

You risk getting heartbroken for the beautiful, all-consuming love. Falling in love with someone can never be a mistake. For falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings in the entire world. Nothing beats the feeling of having someone who loves you just as much as you do them. To know that they have your back and it’s both of you against the world is indescribable.

Falling in love changes you. It pushes you past limits you didn’t even know you had. It makes you question yourself and the morals you held before.

It can build you and break you down, all at once.

There’s never been a moment where I have regretted the love I have put forth regardless of the pain that it has left behind.

Letting go of that love is nearly impossible. You can’t simply unlove another human being. You can try and block them on everything, never see them again, and to never think about them again (also near to impossible because you are human) but that feeling will always remain. It may fade as the years go by of not seeing them. And yes, you will fall out of love with them eventually. But you will always love them and care for them regardless of the situation that was at hand before.

Those moments you shared with them can’t be erased. They are etched within your brain and heart.

But you can move forward and accept that the love you had will always be a part of you. It can teach you lessons and make you treasure your next love even more.

Letting go and moving on is a necessity, at times. Whether it’s relationships that just didn’t work out or relationships that outgrew one another, it ends and you have to go on.

It’s not going to be easy and it’s going to cause you so much pain but you have got this. Whatever the situation may be, just keep pushing through.

All you may see right now is darkness and negativity. Holding the belief that you will never find someone else again.

But you will. You will be happy again. You will venture out of the darkness and into the light. You will be able to love again, to open your heart again. And when you do, it will be even more open to love. Give yourself time, do not rush.

Just let go and keep moving on. Focus on bettering yourself as much as you can and everything else will follow through.

Love,

 

 

Pieces.

The thing is when people are cut out of our lives, there are still pieces of them that remain.

Old photographs you try to hide, somehow ending up on your nightstand. Or clothes you find in the corner of your room that you wore at a specific moment in time with them.

Whenever I drive past a place where a memory was made, it’s like I am instantly brought back to that moment when I was with that person.

I can see my old self with them, just living a normal life.

I look back on those moments and wish that I could have told myself what I know now.

But that’s not how life works.

You are meant to go through situations in order to learn from them, as painful as they may be.

What you overcome is what helps you grow.

Grow as an individual, grow in experience, grow in love.

There will always be pieces of that person lingering within your life because they were once a major part of it.

Once you accept that and not let it weigh you down in your new life, that’s when you can truly move on.

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My Cystic Fibrosis Story

When I turned nine, the last thing I expected was to be diagnosed with a life-threatening lung disease.

All I worried about was getting good grades, hanging with my friends, and the approval of my parents.

I could paint the day of finding out I had Cystic fibrosis, perfectly in my head.

I had been with my friends at the playground, running around and playing manhunt.

When a call from my mom disrupted our game, she told the neighbor that was watching us that I had to come home immediately.

I honestly thought it had something to do with Gracie, she had just been diagnosed few weeks prior.

I was dropped off and ran right into the house. As soon as I opened that door and looked around, I knew something was very wrong.

All of my family members were crammed among the couches, dining room, and kitchen. Eyes, red and watery with lowered voices.

You could feel the tension in the room as all eyes looked at me.

I still didn’t suspect that it had anything to do with me, I just thought it was more bad news about Gracie.

Before I could get a word out to find out what had happened, my mom called me to come upstairs.

I trudged up the steps, glancing behind me, hoping that someone would crack a smile.

My mom was sat down on the bed, looking at me tenderly.

“Honey, take a seat.”

My heart was beating out of my chest as I moved towards her. It had to be something awful. Maybe Gracie is going to get admitted again and they are going to have to stay there for a long time.

My mom cleared her throat, “Dr. Kriendler called, the test results from the sweat test came back…”

I looked up at her, her eyes teary. You could tell she was trying to hold every ounce of her strength together for me.

I was praying to god that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

That there was no way that both, my sister and I, were dealt with these cards in life.

“You have Cystic fibrosis.”

All I could feel were her arms around me and sobs that I didn’t even know could come out of a human being, come out of me.

Pure devastation etched into my heart.

It was more, not knowing what Cystic fibrosis truly was and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to live long enough to do them.

Whether it was being a doctor, a writer, an actor, a princess, or conquering the world in some way.

I had dreams of having a mansion and a jacuzzi.

I had dreams of having kids and meeting the love of my life.

I thought that all my dreams were gone and it broke my heart.

My whole life had been filled with average kid stuff and now I had to face things I didn’t even know were a possibility for me.

The hospital would be my second home.

I would now have to do treatments and medications to give me a longer life.

There could be a chance that I would need a lung transplant down the road.

I had to be responsible for my own health.

At only nine-years-old.

It was a rude awakening, to say the least, but I have learned a plethora of lessons since then.

Yes, Cystic fibrosis can hinder me from doing things in life.

But I will not let it.

I have so many dreams, wishes, and wants, that I am going to pursue.

I want to travel.

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to change lives.

I want to kiss the love of my life on New Years.

I want to write a novel.

I want to have a kid.

Cystic fibrosis is not going to stop me from anything. Ever.

It is a part of my life and I can’t change that.

I have accepted it and appreciated that it has shaped me into the strong person that I am now. I have overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life that have changed me entirely.

I have become resilient, independent, and motivated.

I wanted to live a life where I would live and love as fiercely and whole-heartedly, as I could.

And I intend to because as cliché as this sounds, life is too god damn short not to.

I have an amazing life filled with people who I genuinely love and care about.

I am surrounded by so much love and support.

I have been through the worst of situations filled with pain, sadness, and heartache but I’ve come out of it.

I did it.

I will continue to do it, to face the unthinkable, to gain more strength, become wiser, and learn from my mistakes.

Cystic fibrosis will not stop me from living the life, I choose to live.

Love,

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P.S. Here is a video I made giving a more in-depth look at my own story and cystic fibrosis.