Finding Ourselves

I’ve had this predicament ever since I started my teenage years. As a kid, I always was just who I am.

I never questioned how I acted or how I felt. If I wanted to go out without brushing my hair or even my teeth, I wouldn’t have a second thought (even though my mom would not let me leave the house without doing the two). I would wear whatever I wanted despite it being completely mismatched and downright embarrassing. I would dance and sing, up and down store aisles with a big smile plastered on my face while my mom shopped and not have a care in the world. I was just completely and utterly myself. 

But once you become a pre-teen and start going through puberty, it’s like a switch goes off. You start analyzing every feature of your face and body.

Noticing your crooked teeth or how you have a little extra skin on the side of your hips.

You start comparing yourself to others. With not only physical appearances but their minds.

You begin to change the way you think to fit everyone else. You no longer want to be yourself but a clone of what you see as ‘perfect’. And that’s when you lose yourself. This specific part is just the beginning stages. 

Once you try that and find that it’s not a path worth following and that being yourself is the only key. It’s then growing comfortable with who you are and really discovering yourself entirely. 

And to do that, it honestly takes time and a lot of experiences. Experiences that shake you to your core and make you realize that sometimes you are the only person that you can rely on. Moments where you see how amazing you are and how fortunate you are to have a beautiful life like this.

You need a mix of the good and bad to show what life is really about. 

How you act, the mistakes you make, and all the in between show you, yourself. 

You aren’t perfect (If you think you are, you may need a slight wake up call).

Nobody is perfect and as time passes and things go on, you realize that.

You accept the fact that you cry a lot. You accept that you are sensitive and emotions come over you like massive waves that pull you down. You accept that you’ve been in the wrong. You accept that you lash out and hurt the people you love most. You accept that you are human.

You will stumble and fall but you will also get up and conquer. 

You learn and learn and learn. 

I don’t think you ever truly find yourself until you are old and grey.

When you have seen the ugly and beautiful parts of life that leave you breathless. After seeing the life you made for yourself and all of the people you have loved throughout it; you welcome who you are with open arms.

Because every moment, every triumph, every fail, every person you meet, has led you to where you are; to the person, you were meant to be.

I am still figuring out who I am and I know it’s going to take a long time but I’m here for the ride.

Love, 

Scotland

If there is a place that I love more than anything now, it has to be Scotland.

It is truly beautiful, inside and out. There is so much history hidden behind the walls and curves of every road. It honestly feels as though you are in a movie or a book. There are so many nooks and crannies; from alley ways to hidden walkways that lead to unique shops and cafes.

You can see the beautiful Edinburgh castle, resting on the edge of a cliff. Looking as if it is about to tip over into the picturesque town. Brief glimpses of the castle pours through the spaces in between buildings.

When we had first gotten here, a smile was plastered to my face. I couldn’t help it, Scotland has a way of doing that to you.

So far we have gone on the infamous Harry Potter tour (which is free by the way), a night ghost tour, Edinburgh castle, New Town, and Old town.

You could sit in a cafe, reading, writing, and even people watching for hours at a time. The streets are filled with stores and covered with merchants in small tents. You also have the entertainers doing magic tricks, playing instruments, or simply just having a very cute dog with sunglasses on.

We are leaving tomorrow and we have sadly only been here for one full day but it was completely worth it.

I am in shell shock and wish endlessly to spend more time here.

Love,

Caity

P.S. here are some pics from the trip 💛 https://breathingwithcaity.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/img_2336.mov

Pieces.

The thing is when people are cut out of our lives, there are still pieces of them that remain.

Old photographs you try to hide, somehow ending up on your nightstand. Or clothes you find in the corner of your room that you wore at a specific moment in time with them.

Whenever I drive past a place where a memory was made, it’s like I am instantly brought back to that moment when I was with that person.

I can see my old self with them, just living a normal life.

I look back on those moments and wish that I could have told myself what I know now.

But that’s not how life works.

You are meant to go through situations in order to learn from them, as painful as they may be.

What you overcome is what helps you grow.

Grow as an individual, grow in experience, grow in love.

There will always be pieces of that person lingering within your life because they were once a major part of it.

Once you accept that and not let it weigh you down in your new life, that’s when you can truly move on.

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

 

Be Bold

It’s easy to let yourself fall into the grips of others.

Many people bring negativity around, in order to lessen your light.

The light that is your passions, dreams, and the unique traits that make you who you are.

You, the person reading this right now, are capable of changing this world and changing lives. Whatever purpose you want to fulfill in your life, you will do it.

You have that light, trust me, you do.

It kills me when I hear people say they cannot do something because they fear the judgment of others or they believe it won’t give them immediate satisfaction/success they yearn for.

This is what hinders you from truly shining brightly.

Go for whatever the hell you want to do. It can be the craziest and most unpredictable thing but if it gives you that motivation to live life to the absolute fullest, go for it.

If it brings you happiness, do it.

If you have a true passion for it, do it.

Forget about all of the fears or judgments.

This is your life. Live it boldly. In whatever way you want.

Be bold. 

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

I Gave My Heart Away Too Much

Ever since I was younger, I’ve always been very sensitive.

You looked at me the wrong way or said something just because you were irritated or annoyed, chances were I took it to heart.

I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older, after realizing that everyone has something going on in their lives and sometimes their frustration is let out on you.

I’ve just always felt so deeply.

I love deeply.

I care deeply.

Every person in my life, I love with every fiber of my being. I will literally do anything for the people I love.

When I meet people, I come off as happy and genuine, which I am, but I am also apprehensive to the those I let in my life. So just know if you are a part of my life right now, that you were carefully chosen.

It’s because I feel with everything in me, I tend to give too much of myself to others.

I have done this on multiple occasions from recognizing friendships that were purely for the other’s benefit or people who didn’t really care about me.

It’s from these situations that I have learned, I have to be more cautious to the people I give my heart to.

Yes, I can be a kind individual who helps someone if they need it but if there is no reciprocation or appreciation shown, it’s not worth it.

I always go above and beyond to make the people in my life know they are loved.

I show that love by being there for them and doing anything I can for them.

And I expect that somewhat in return. That’s what friends and family are supposed to do.

Another reason why I’ve been more careful about those in my life is that I have been through a lot of shit.

In those shitty times, you see who is truly there for you.

Those are the people you should give your heart to.

Now everyone isn’t perfect and they are going to let you down at some point.

That’s just human nature.

I’ve accepted that and in turn, I am slowly recognizing when it comes too far.

There’s nothing bad about giving pieces of your heart to the people you love most in this world; it’s just making sure they are the right people.

The people who love you as much as you do them, maybe even more.

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

Boston, M.A.

Around three years ago, I went here when I visited a college with my cousins, Kristina and Nicole.

It has left a memorable mark on me because I still crave to go back.

The beauty of the city is a complete understatement.

It is filled with so many stunning views and the cleanliness of the city was very surprising.

I went during the summer so I haven’t experienced Boston its entirety, but let me tell you it was amazing.

The video above was one that I made from my time there. Don’t mind the awful videography, I was still learning.

We took a ferry from Long Island, NY in the early hours of the morning. It was a beautiful, purple shadowed sunrise and I loved every bit of it. From there, we drove to Boston.

If you don’t know the song, “Boston” by Augustana, I highly suggest you listen to it because that was all that played through my head my whole time there.

My cousin, Nicole, had some connections so we were able to get a very nice hotel room with the perfect view of the city.

We spent our days walking up and down the streets, visiting Thrift shops, small stores, food markets, and basically anything that interested us.

We went to the Skywalk Observatory where we could see all of Boston. It was in the Prudential Tower and you were able to go up to the 50th floor that gave you a 360 view of the city. The floor was littered with different facts about Boston and the people that made it even more remarkable.

We had ice cream at this cute little shop. They were known for making the ice cream in the shape of a rose so of course, we had to get that.

The weather was just right especially at night, you could wear anything you wanted and still feel comfortable.

We only spent two days and a night there, but we made sure to end with a bang by going to the Breakfast Club on our last day.

It’s a quaint, little diner, notorious for being based on the movie, The Breakfast Club. The walls were covered with memorabilia from the 80’s. They had “library specials” which were different food specials based on the names from the movie such as “The Princess” (Of course, I had it), “The Dork”, “The Criminal”, “The Jock”, etc. And let me tell you, it was banging.

On our way home from Boston, we made a stop at Wahlburgers after hearing rave views about it and for our family loving the Wahlberg brothers. It’s another place I definitely suggest.

I had so much fun there and made so many memories.

Boston, you have my heart and I am definitely going to come back.

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

My Cystic Fibrosis Story

When I turned nine, the last thing I expected was to be diagnosed with a life-threatening lung disease.

All I worried about was getting good grades, hanging with my friends, and the approval of my parents.

I could paint the day of finding out I had Cystic fibrosis, perfectly in my head.

I had been with my friends at the playground, running around and playing manhunt.

When a call from my mom disrupted our game, she told the neighbor that was watching us that I had to come home immediately.

I honestly thought it had something to do with Gracie, she had just been diagnosed few weeks prior.

I was dropped off and ran right into the house. As soon as I opened that door and looked around, I knew something was very wrong.

All of my family members were crammed among the couches, dining room, and kitchen. Eyes, red and watery with lowered voices.

You could feel the tension in the room as all eyes looked at me.

I still didn’t suspect that it had anything to do with me, I just thought it was more bad news about Gracie.

Before I could get a word out to find out what had happened, my mom called me to come upstairs.

I trudged up the steps, glancing behind me, hoping that someone would crack a smile.

My mom was sat down on the bed, looking at me tenderly.

“Honey, take a seat.”

My heart was beating out of my chest as I moved towards her. It had to be something awful. Maybe Gracie is going to get admitted again and they are going to have to stay there for a long time.

My mom cleared her throat, “Dr. Kriendler called, the test results from the sweat test came back…”

I looked up at her, her eyes teary. You could tell she was trying to hold every ounce of her strength together for me.

I was praying to god that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

That there was no way that both, my sister and I, were dealt with these cards in life.

“You have Cystic fibrosis.”

All I could feel were her arms around me and sobs that I didn’t even know could come out of a human being, come out of me.

Pure devastation etched into my heart.

It was more, not knowing what Cystic fibrosis truly was and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to live long enough to do them.

Whether it was being a doctor, a writer, an actor, a princess, or conquering the world in some way.

I had dreams of having a mansion and a jacuzzi.

I had dreams of having kids and meeting the love of my life.

I thought that all my dreams were gone and it broke my heart.

My whole life had been filled with average kid stuff and now I had to face things I didn’t even know were a possibility for me.

The hospital would be my second home.

I would now have to do treatments and medications to give me a longer life.

There could be a chance that I would need a lung transplant down the road.

I had to be responsible for my own health.

At only nine-years-old.

It was a rude awakening, to say the least, but I have learned a plethora of lessons since then.

Yes, Cystic fibrosis can hinder me from doing things in life.

But I will not let it.

I have so many dreams, wishes, and wants, that I am going to pursue.

I want to travel.

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to change lives.

I want to kiss the love of my life on New Years.

I want to write a novel.

I want to have a kid.

Cystic fibrosis is not going to stop me from anything. Ever.

It is a part of my life and I can’t change that.

I have accepted it and appreciated that it has shaped me into the strong person that I am now. I have overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life that have changed me entirely.

I have become resilient, independent, and motivated.

I wanted to live a life where I would live and love as fiercely and whole-heartedly, as I could.

And I intend to because as cliché as this sounds, life is too god damn short not to.

I have an amazing life filled with people who I genuinely love and care about.

I am surrounded by so much love and support.

I have been through the worst of situations filled with pain, sadness, and heartache but I’ve come out of it.

I did it.

I will continue to do it, to face the unthinkable, to gain more strength, become wiser, and learn from my mistakes.

Cystic fibrosis will not stop me from living the life, I choose to live.

Love,

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

P.S. Here is a video I made giving a more in-depth look at my own story and cystic fibrosis.