overwhelmed

I hope that whoever is reading this feels a sense of calmness in their life. A sense of relief or happiness. It could be from the smallest of things in life; finally finishing exam week or seeing that life-long friend that you hadn’t seen in a while. Any brief momentous happiness, I hope it captures you today.

This week has left me at a loss for words. I am trying to appreciate every facet of my life. The fact that I am here, living and breathing; that I have family & friends; a roof over my head. But I am still left befuddled.

Most nights now since the hospital, has been spent with widened eyes and fears that I will never get my life together or that my life will not be what I have always wanted. I stay up with tears in my eyes wondering if this aching in my chest will dissipate or will turn into my nightly routine.

The things that used to make me so blissfully happy, don’t seem to do the trick. Everything is so unsatisfying and I have no idea what to do about it.

The people in my life tell me that it makes sense as to why I am feeling the way I am. I’ve been through a lot recently. It can not only take a toll on you physically but even more mentally.

What the doctors don’t mention to you once you get off of your IV antibiotics and out of the hospital is the depression that latches onto you. You don’t seem to notice it at first because you are so excited to be free. You take ahold on every little thing you missed; driving, going out to eat, going out with friends, wearing whatever you want, being independent etc. But once you get off of that inch of a high, you are smacked in the face with reality.

Going back to the normalcy of life isn’t as easy. You are met with new qualms and challenges that make you want to crawl into bed and never face life.

I am trying my best and pushing through. Putting a smile on my face and taking every challenge, day by day. I will just continue to love endlessly and spread as much of it as I can and just hope that everything will work out in the end.

Love,

 

A Whole Other Level of Happiness

To think that only a few weeks ago I was just getting out of surgery to the present, where I am at the most beautiful city is completely insane.

So much has changed in just the little bit of time and I couldn’t be happier. I have only been in England for a total of 5 days and have experienced more than I ever thought possible.

I have met the loveliest of people. All of the people I have met from this program are so kind and loving. We all just have this want to explore and travel as much as we can.

Honestly, I was completely apprehensive about doing this program because I was going alone. But I am so happy with the choice I made. There’s this new level of independence and responsibility that is starting to grow on me. And I wouldn’t have been as open to getting close with other people.

I just scheduled a flight to Scotland with three other amazing girls! How crazy is that?

All of these beautiful people were brought into my life from this experience and have already changed it; I couldn’t be more grateful.

We have done so many things within London and I will go more into detail in the next post but for now, here’s the video I made from the past few days!

Love,

in London, England

My Cystic Fibrosis Story

When I turned nine, the last thing I expected was to be diagnosed with a life-threatening lung disease.

All I worried about was getting good grades, hanging with my friends, and the approval of my parents.

I could paint the day of finding out I had Cystic fibrosis, perfectly in my head.

I had been with my friends at the playground, running around and playing manhunt.

When a call from my mom disrupted our game, she told the neighbor that was watching us that I had to come home immediately.

I honestly thought it had something to do with Gracie, she had just been diagnosed few weeks prior.

I was dropped off and ran right into the house. As soon as I opened that door and looked around, I knew something was very wrong.

All of my family members were crammed among the couches, dining room, and kitchen. Eyes, red and watery with lowered voices.

You could feel the tension in the room as all eyes looked at me.

I still didn’t suspect that it had anything to do with me, I just thought it was more bad news about Gracie.

Before I could get a word out to find out what had happened, my mom called me to come upstairs.

I trudged up the steps, glancing behind me, hoping that someone would crack a smile.

My mom was sat down on the bed, looking at me tenderly.

“Honey, take a seat.”

My heart was beating out of my chest as I moved towards her. It had to be something awful. Maybe Gracie is going to get admitted again and they are going to have to stay there for a long time.

My mom cleared her throat, “Dr. Kriendler called, the test results from the sweat test came back…”

I looked up at her, her eyes teary. You could tell she was trying to hold every ounce of her strength together for me.

I was praying to god that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

That there was no way that both, my sister and I, were dealt with these cards in life.

“You have Cystic fibrosis.”

All I could feel were her arms around me and sobs that I didn’t even know could come out of a human being, come out of me.

Pure devastation etched into my heart.

It was more, not knowing what Cystic fibrosis truly was and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to live long enough to do them.

Whether it was being a doctor, a writer, an actor, a princess, or conquering the world in some way.

I had dreams of having a mansion and a jacuzzi.

I had dreams of having kids and meeting the love of my life.

I thought that all my dreams were gone and it broke my heart.

My whole life had been filled with average kid stuff and now I had to face things I didn’t even know were a possibility for me.

The hospital would be my second home.

I would now have to do treatments and medications to give me a longer life.

There could be a chance that I would need a lung transplant down the road.

I had to be responsible for my own health.

At only nine-years-old.

It was a rude awakening, to say the least, but I have learned a plethora of lessons since then.

Yes, Cystic fibrosis can hinder me from doing things in life.

But I will not let it.

I have so many dreams, wishes, and wants, that I am going to pursue.

I want to travel.

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to change lives.

I want to kiss the love of my life on New Years.

I want to write a novel.

I want to have a kid.

Cystic fibrosis is not going to stop me from anything. Ever.

It is a part of my life and I can’t change that.

I have accepted it and appreciated that it has shaped me into the strong person that I am now. I have overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life that have changed me entirely.

I have become resilient, independent, and motivated.

I wanted to live a life where I would live and love as fiercely and whole-heartedly, as I could.

And I intend to because as cliché as this sounds, life is too god damn short not to.

I have an amazing life filled with people who I genuinely love and care about.

I am surrounded by so much love and support.

I have been through the worst of situations filled with pain, sadness, and heartache but I’ve come out of it.

I did it.

I will continue to do it, to face the unthinkable, to gain more strength, become wiser, and learn from my mistakes.

Cystic fibrosis will not stop me from living the life, I choose to live.

Love,

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P.S. Here is a video I made giving a more in-depth look at my own story and cystic fibrosis.

 

Decidophobia

What is decidophobia?

Well, it lies in the name. It is the fear of decisions.

That has been a fear of mine since I was a kid. I could never fully make a decision on my own without the opinions of others.

Either that or I would look for signs in shows, movies, and everyday life.

Subtle hints from a higher power that I should do this, instead of that.

But as we all grow, we lose the fears and phobias we once had. Mine is slowly dissipating.

I am at a time in my life where there are a lot of decisions that need to be made. From what major I choose to the profession I want to be in for the rest of my life. 

It’s a never-ending spiral of decisions that you, yourself, have to make.

It is one of the most terrifying yet thrilling parts of life. This is the time where we have to go on our own path. A path where we decided to go, without the influence of others. A path that may be filled with many hazardous bumps but, in the end, be what we needed to come out on the other side.

Even though I have made some of these decisions and are still making the rest of them, my phobia still hides in the corners of my mind. For any decision, wrong or right, can change your life. But it’s all a part of destiny, right?

Blush Pink Stripes Black Clothing Label

*Written in 11/08/15*