Decidophobia

What is decidophobia?

Well, it lies in the name. It is the fear of decisions.

That has been a fear of mine since I was a kid. I could never fully make a decision on my own without the opinions of others.

Either that or I would look for signs in shows, movies, and everyday life.

Subtle hints from a higher power that I should do this, instead of that.

But as we all grow, we lose the fears and phobias we once had. Mine is slowly dissipating.

I am at a time in my life where there are a lot of decisions that need to be made. From what major I choose to the profession I want to be in for the rest of my life. 

It’s a never-ending spiral of decisions that you, yourself, have to make.

It is one of the most terrifying yet thrilling parts of life. This is the time where we have to go on our own path. A path where we decided to go, without the influence of others. A path that may be filled with many hazardous bumps but, in the end, be what we needed to come out on the other side.

Even though I have made some of these decisions and are still making the rest of them, my phobia still hides in the corners of my mind. For any decision, wrong or right, can change your life. But it’s all a part of destiny, right?

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*Written in 11/08/15*

What I Have Become

  I was the epitome of lost, found in the place I started from the very beginning all along, decisions never chosen, goals always achieved, dissatisfied but complacent, yearning to be known, satisfied to be unknown, missing the humid summer nights at the beach, disliking the crisp nights huddled around the fire, healthy mentally, physically sick, anticipating the future, terrified of the outcome, to make something of myself, not knowing how, show the world I can live a long life, theres no contract to guarantee it, crave affection, deny feeling anything, enjoying the small moments, letting the big ones pass by, loathe change, appreciate it afterwards, watching discrimination, not having the audacity to do anything about it, callow at heart, mature in reality, etching my life onto thin paper, conscious that the words will have no meaning in the end, gaining friendships, losing the ones I cared for, breathtaking views, sorrowful perspective, comfortable sheets, itchy restless ashen sheets, quickly time passes, the world revolving slowly around me, letting go and having fun, always being careful, inspired by people and novels, fantasizing too much, glee filled moments with my loved ones possibly forgotten, always engraved in my soul, self pity, compassion for people around me, detesting hate, spreading warmth, calming waves welcomed in the morning, thrashing waves at dusk, distinct aroma of pancakes drenched in syrup, gone with the days of school, photographing every giggle, replaced with videos of contagious laughter, questioning life’s situations and problems thrown at me, discovering it was meant to be, starting to uncover the beauties lying within winter, has long forgotten summer, I was shy, timid, scared, insecure, constantly embarrassed and nervous, I may hold some qualities from my past, but the present holds who I truly am and have been the whole time, worthy, unique, intelligent, kind, brave, strong, content, beautiful.   

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*A piece I wrote for my English class in my Sophomore year of high school.*  

         

T w e n t y

By the time you see this, I am twenty-years-old.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Caity.

Today is my birthday.

The day that I was given a life to live in any way I wanted.

It’s surreal to think how we were born with a clean slate. There was no past that followed us, no mistakes, no heartbreak, no pressures, we were simply brought into this world.

As we got older, we transformed into our own person where we made memories, friends, mistakes, and went through the unbearable. All parts of life that molded us into the people we have become.

I have now spent two decades on this earth.

Twenty birthdays.

7,300 days lived.

175,200 hours spent.

All of that time.

It may not seem like much but it’s been filled with the best moments of my life–so far–and the absolute worst.

At nine my life had changed forever, I found out I had Cystic Fibrosis. I also was gifted with the most amazing sister.

At ten, I would come to realize that I was sick and I was going to be sick for the rest of my life. Hospitalizations and medications were going to be a necessity for me to live.

At eleven, I would write in the pages of my journal every day to get out all the frustrations scrambling in my mind.

At twelve, I thought having side-bangs was the best hairstyle ever. I called myself a ‘skater-girl’ even though, I never owned a skateboard nor did I ride one.

At thirteen, I wanted to be like every other teenager. I also fell in love with Twilight and the idea of ‘love’, let’s just say I was embarrassingly obsessed with Edward and Bella.

At fourteen, I tried very hard to fit in with the ‘popular’ crowd. After feeling empty, I knew that I was the best person to be.

At fifteen, I had my third sinus surgery and multiple hospitalizations. Books and movies were my escape from any pain.

At sixteen, I really started to love and appreciate who I was, inside and out. Nothing beats that self-realization.

At seventeen, I met a person who changed my life entirely. Life started to get very real when putting in college applications and thinking about the future.

At eighteen, I was blissfully happy. I got accepted into my school, fell in love, and had the best memories.

At nineteen, between college and new changes, it shook me to my core. I had changed more than I ever had before.

I also found my voice, writing, to you all.

I am so grateful for everything I have been given in life and for all the things that have happened to me. I have seen the worst of the worst and been through my fair share of it too but in all of it, it’s given me that reason to wake up in the morning hoping that day will be one of the best days of my life.

For I have also experienced the most amazing moments, filled with so much love and happiness. All the pain is worth the parts of life that leave you with that warm feeling in the pit of your stomach, where life seems too good to be true, that you are way too lucky. In those moments, I take a deep breath, look around me, and I take in every minute of that pure joy and remind myself to never forget it.

At twenty…well, I still have memories to make and lessons to learn. But I’ll keep you updated on all of that.

So here’s to twenty years on this earth, and many more decades to come.

Love,

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· Never forget that you are beautiful, you are amazing, and you deserve everything you want in this world ·

Made: 1/14/2018