You Will Always Be Most Important

“Do what makes your soul happy.”

It has always been one of my favorite sayings.

The most important thing in your life is your happiness.

You could live to make everyone else happy but when you get in your warm bed at the end of the night, cuddled up with blankets, the darkness, and left with your thoughts; that’s when it hits you.

You have this deep pain that resonates from within you, making you uncomfortable in your own skin.

Dissatisfaction.

The smile that you may have carried on throughout the day, wavers entirely.

Your thoughts feel like a looming dark cloud. You do everything you can to avoid them.

Maybe if you act happy, you will be happy. You are making all the people around you happy so that’s all that matters.

That’s what you repeat to yourself over and over again.

The truth of it all is who gives a shit about anyone else’s happiness?

Make your decisions based upon your own values. Don’t think about what your parents, friends, acquaintances, or what people on social media will think.

You are not them.

You are not living their life.

You are you.

You are living your life.

Your morals and views may differ completely and that is okay.

What makes you happy, doesn’t have to make anyone else happy but you.

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My Cystic Fibrosis Story

When I turned nine, the last thing I expected was to be diagnosed with a life-threatening lung disease.

All I worried about was getting good grades, hanging with my friends, and the approval of my parents.

I could paint the day of finding out I had Cystic fibrosis, perfectly in my head.

I had been with my friends at the playground, running around and playing manhunt.

When a call from my mom disrupted our game, she told the neighbor that was watching us that I had to come home immediately.

I honestly thought it had something to do with Gracie, she had just been diagnosed few weeks prior.

I was dropped off and ran right into the house. As soon as I opened that door and looked around, I knew something was very wrong.

All of my family members were crammed among the couches, dining room, and kitchen. Eyes, red and watery with lowered voices.

You could feel the tension in the room as all eyes looked at me.

I still didn’t suspect that it had anything to do with me, I just thought it was more bad news about Gracie.

Before I could get a word out to find out what had happened, my mom called me to come upstairs.

I trudged up the steps, glancing behind me, hoping that someone would crack a smile.

My mom was sat down on the bed, looking at me tenderly.

“Honey, take a seat.”

My heart was beating out of my chest as I moved towards her. It had to be something awful. Maybe Gracie is going to get admitted again and they are going to have to stay there for a long time.

My mom cleared her throat, “Dr. Kriendler called, the test results from the sweat test came back…”

I looked up at her, her eyes teary. You could tell she was trying to hold every ounce of her strength together for me.

I was praying to god that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

That there was no way that both, my sister and I, were dealt with these cards in life.

“You have Cystic fibrosis.”

All I could feel were her arms around me and sobs that I didn’t even know could come out of a human being, come out of me.

Pure devastation etched into my heart.

It was more, not knowing what Cystic fibrosis truly was and how it would affect me for the rest of my life.

I didn’t know what I wanted to do in life, but I knew that I wanted to live long enough to do them.

Whether it was being a doctor, a writer, an actor, a princess, or conquering the world in some way.

I had dreams of having a mansion and a jacuzzi.

I had dreams of having kids and meeting the love of my life.

I thought that all my dreams were gone and it broke my heart.

My whole life had been filled with average kid stuff and now I had to face things I didn’t even know were a possibility for me.

The hospital would be my second home.

I would now have to do treatments and medications to give me a longer life.

There could be a chance that I would need a lung transplant down the road.

I had to be responsible for my own health.

At only nine-years-old.

It was a rude awakening, to say the least, but I have learned a plethora of lessons since then.

Yes, Cystic fibrosis can hinder me from doing things in life.

But I will not let it.

I have so many dreams, wishes, and wants, that I am going to pursue.

I want to travel.

I want to jump out of a plane.

I want to change lives.

I want to kiss the love of my life on New Years.

I want to write a novel.

I want to have a kid.

Cystic fibrosis is not going to stop me from anything. Ever.

It is a part of my life and I can’t change that.

I have accepted it and appreciated that it has shaped me into the strong person that I am now. I have overcome so many challenges and obstacles in my life that have changed me entirely.

I have become resilient, independent, and motivated.

I wanted to live a life where I would live and love as fiercely and whole-heartedly, as I could.

And I intend to because as cliché as this sounds, life is too god damn short not to.

I have an amazing life filled with people who I genuinely love and care about.

I am surrounded by so much love and support.

I have been through the worst of situations filled with pain, sadness, and heartache but I’ve come out of it.

I did it.

I will continue to do it, to face the unthinkable, to gain more strength, become wiser, and learn from my mistakes.

Cystic fibrosis will not stop me from living the life, I choose to live.

Love,

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P.S. Here is a video I made giving a more in-depth look at my own story and cystic fibrosis.

 

Decidophobia

What is decidophobia?

Well, it lies in the name. It is the fear of decisions.

That has been a fear of mine since I was a kid. I could never fully make a decision on my own without the opinions of others.

Either that or I would look for signs in shows, movies, and everyday life.

Subtle hints from a higher power that I should do this, instead of that.

But as we all grow, we lose the fears and phobias we once had. Mine is slowly dissipating.

I am at a time in my life where there are a lot of decisions that need to be made. From what major I choose to the profession I want to be in for the rest of my life. 

It’s a never-ending spiral of decisions that you, yourself, have to make.

It is one of the most terrifying yet thrilling parts of life. This is the time where we have to go on our own path. A path where we decided to go, without the influence of others. A path that may be filled with many hazardous bumps but, in the end, be what we needed to come out on the other side.

Even though I have made some of these decisions and are still making the rest of them, my phobia still hides in the corners of my mind. For any decision, wrong or right, can change your life. But it’s all a part of destiny, right?

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*Written in 11/08/15*

What I Have Become

  I was the epitome of lost, found in the place I started from the very beginning all along, decisions never chosen, goals always achieved, dissatisfied but complacent, yearning to be known, satisfied to be unknown, missing the humid summer nights at the beach, disliking the crisp nights huddled around the fire, healthy mentally, physically sick, anticipating the future, terrified of the outcome, to make something of myself, not knowing how, show the world I can live a long life, theres no contract to guarantee it, crave affection, deny feeling anything, enjoying the small moments, letting the big ones pass by, loathe change, appreciate it afterwards, watching discrimination, not having the audacity to do anything about it, callow at heart, mature in reality, etching my life onto thin paper, conscious that the words will have no meaning in the end, gaining friendships, losing the ones I cared for, breathtaking views, sorrowful perspective, comfortable sheets, itchy restless ashen sheets, quickly time passes, the world revolving slowly around me, letting go and having fun, always being careful, inspired by people and novels, fantasizing too much, glee filled moments with my loved ones possibly forgotten, always engraved in my soul, self pity, compassion for people around me, detesting hate, spreading warmth, calming waves welcomed in the morning, thrashing waves at dusk, distinct aroma of pancakes drenched in syrup, gone with the days of school, photographing every giggle, replaced with videos of contagious laughter, questioning life’s situations and problems thrown at me, discovering it was meant to be, starting to uncover the beauties lying within winter, has long forgotten summer, I was shy, timid, scared, insecure, constantly embarrassed and nervous, I may hold some qualities from my past, but the present holds who I truly am and have been the whole time, worthy, unique, intelligent, kind, brave, strong, content, beautiful.   

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*A piece I wrote for my English class in my Sophomore year of high school.*  

         

T w e n t y

By the time you see this, I am twenty-years-old.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Caity.

Today is my birthday.

The day that I was given a life to live in any way I wanted.

It’s surreal to think how we were born with a clean slate. There was no past that followed us, no mistakes, no heartbreak, no pressures, we were simply brought into this world.

As we got older, we transformed into our own person where we made memories, friends, mistakes, and went through the unbearable. All parts of life that molded us into the people we have become.

I have now spent two decades on this earth.

Twenty birthdays.

7,300 days lived.

175,200 hours spent.

All of that time.

It may not seem like much but it’s been filled with the best moments of my life–so far–and the absolute worst.

At nine my life had changed forever, I found out I had Cystic Fibrosis. I also was gifted with the most amazing sister.

At ten, I would come to realize that I was sick and I was going to be sick for the rest of my life. Hospitalizations and medications were going to be a necessity for me to live.

At eleven, I would write in the pages of my journal every day to get out all the frustrations scrambling in my mind.

At twelve, I thought having side-bangs was the best hairstyle ever. I called myself a ‘skater-girl’ even though, I never owned a skateboard nor did I ride one.

At thirteen, I wanted to be like every other teenager. I also fell in love with Twilight and the idea of ‘love’, let’s just say I was embarrassingly obsessed with Edward and Bella.

At fourteen, I tried very hard to fit in with the ‘popular’ crowd. After feeling empty, I knew that I was the best person to be.

At fifteen, I had my third sinus surgery and multiple hospitalizations. Books and movies were my escape from any pain.

At sixteen, I really started to love and appreciate who I was, inside and out. Nothing beats that self-realization.

At seventeen, I met a person who changed my life entirely. Life started to get very real when putting in college applications and thinking about the future.

At eighteen, I was blissfully happy. I got accepted into my school, fell in love, and had the best memories.

At nineteen, between college and new changes, it shook me to my core. I had changed more than I ever had before.

I also found my voice, writing, to you all.

I am so grateful for everything I have been given in life and for all the things that have happened to me. I have seen the worst of the worst and been through my fair share of it too but in all of it, it’s given me that reason to wake up in the morning hoping that day will be one of the best days of my life.

For I have also experienced the most amazing moments, filled with so much love and happiness. All the pain is worth the parts of life that leave you with that warm feeling in the pit of your stomach, where life seems too good to be true, that you are way too lucky. In those moments, I take a deep breath, look around me, and I take in every minute of that pure joy and remind myself to never forget it.

At twenty…well, I still have memories to make and lessons to learn. But I’ll keep you updated on all of that.

So here’s to twenty years on this earth, and many more decades to come.

Love,

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· Never forget that you are beautiful, you are amazing, and you deserve everything you want in this world ·

Made: 1/14/2018