I haven’t been honest.

I have avoided writing. One of the things that I enjoy most in this world. A way to freely express myself and a way that truly enlightens my soul. I’ve been negligent with this blog and I apologize.

My smile has been fake. My “pretending everything is okay” has been pulled to an extreme in my every day life. I haven’t felt good or normal in over a year. Every day has been felt with discomfort and pain in one way or another. It’s left me frustrated and in a rut.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow that will determine how I will move forward these upcoming months and next few years. I am nervous but I want answers. After relentless treatments with medications that seem to do nothing but give me false hope;

All I want is relief.

Relief from what feels like a never-ending dark tunnel. Days dragging on feeling breathless, the pain that resonates from the right side of my chest like a dagger, the coughs that make me close to vomiting, the sleepiness that I can never seem to shake.

In a way, I have become used to the pain that overcomes me everyday. It’s a “nothing new” mentality, just what I have to deal with.

I am twenty-one years old but I feel like I am ninety.

Everything exhausts me to no end. The simplest tasks feel as though I’ve run a marathon.

I have lost my positivity that I have held onto, so tightly my whole life. Due to agitation with never feeling well no matter how diligently I follow my medication and therapy regiment.

Writing this, is hope that I will break free from this strong hold of negativity that is strangling me. That whatever may happen tomorrow, will be for the best and that it will truly be okay. Everything will work out the way it is meant to.

I just have to faith and hope.

If you are putting up a facade, be open and honest with yourself and the people around you. It’s okay not to be okay. But don’t let that stop you, don’t give up.

For anyone out there that is stuck in a rut like myself, give yourself that little push. That push to keep looking onto the bright side even when most of your days feel dark.

It might seem like there is no point, because what could one more positive thought or action actually do? But I promise, it will be well worth it. You are saving a part of yourself. Preserving your wholesome self to be happy down the road. Putting effort into you.

Putting effort into your wellbeing will never be a mistake.

So please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to make your existence on this earth meaningful to you. I also just want to say if there is anyone out there who needs someone to talk to, my DM’s & email are always open.

Love,

**Major thank you to my boyfriend for getting me back to writing & giving me the support I needed**