A little bit of a life update: I am currently in the hospital for a lung exacerbation and it sucks. It sucks more than the usual sucking because I had planned on traveling this week. Timing is the absolute worst especially when you try to plan things out, even more so, when you have a life-threatening lung disease.
It is now two days since I stepped foot into the emergency room of the hospital. I was in pain; every breath seemed to exert far more energy than usual, my head throbbing, sweating and then growing cold again, and my cough left me huddled in a ball trying to hinder the pain as much as I could. It honestly felt like it would never end.
With my mom by my side, we sat in the chairs waiting. My name hadn’t even been called to put in the system. I held a box of tissues in my sweaty palm while a mask covered my face making it even harder to breathe. And then the tears just came pouring down, I couldn’t stop them.
It was another one of those life-defining moments. Those moments where it seems you are looking at yourself from a third person view. Seeing myself, pale, hunched over, having shameless tears that were slowly absorbing into my mask. This was the Caity I didn’t want to see nor did I like seeing.
I wanted to be the glowy, happy Caity that only had to worry about school, her job, and the people in her life.
I wanted to be the Caity that could travel to any place and be okay.
But that wasn’t me and the reality of it all is this Caity is always going to be around. Cystic fibrosis is going to have an impact on me for the rest of my life. It will always be a part of me.
So although I may not like seeing myself in such a state, I have to accept it.
Because the thing about us, as people, is we forget that we are human beings.
Human beings that go through so much, the wear and tear of the soul and the body. Every day we are constantly faced with a challenge and it might not be a life-altering one but it still affects you and everything in your life.
You aren’t perfect and that’s 100% okay. Because it’s in those moments where you feel at your absolute worst where you truly see how strong and amazing you are. It shows that you are real and struggle and I find that beautiful.
I still don’t know for sure how long I will be in here (I will keep you all updated). I still find ways to appreciate the little things like getting sour patch kids or having amazing people come and visit me to make my day. The love from my family and friends through every platform (texts, phone calls, Facebook posts/comments, etc.) mean the world to me and I am so grateful for the people in my life.
It’s really the little things that help you push through.